I would rather crawl than Run

For when we are born we really on our elders and parents to carry us from one place to another. i ponder and wonder why it happens but
i fear this There are many three-word sentences in the world. We have some that show affection like “I love you” – except when you say it and get no favourable response. Or if the person says the words back with addition of words like “a brother” or “a friend” at the end. We also have others that send shivers down your spine especially in Njaaanuary like “Pay the Bill” and “Lend me money.”

However, there is one that sends me into defensive mode when ladies say it. And no, its not “I am pregnant” – as much as I would panic on hearing it at this juncture in my life. The three words I am talking about are “Hold My Handbag.”

According to man laws, men are not allowed to hold purses and their other scary cousins from upcountry called handbags. This makes a man instantly lose man points unless their physical address reads “closet” or some other such derivative.

So in order to ensure you dont lose man points, the following guidelines will cushion you from loss of the very vital man points emanating from how you handle handbags.

1) If a lady leaves a handbag with you, you are supposed to promptly place it on the nearest free space and stand five feet from it. You are allowed stare at it from this safe distance.

Exception : If the handbag holds the only condom you two have, then you are allowed to hold it. You will however have to answer to the man law oversight board later to explain why the condom is in her bag and not your wallet.

2) For all intentions and purposes, a handbag should be considered as a detachable organ for ladies. If she can carry all other organs to wherever she is going, she can carry the handbag as well.

Exception : She can leave her handbag with you if she leaves another organ as guarantee that she will return, preferably a kidney or any of its neighboring organs. If she leaves a vagina, she can stay away for a few hours.

3) A man shall not check inside a lady’s handbag even with her permission. If she is away from the room and asks you to pick something from her handbag, you should observe the standard five feet safe distance away from the handbag and keep shouting “I cant find it” until she comes and looks for it herself.

Exception : You are allowed to check if she asked for an inhaler, or authorization certificate from her father that allows you to screw her.

4) If a lady leaves her handbag open in your presence, you are supposed to desist from looking at it at all times unless the handbag tries to initiate conversation. To which you should run away from the room at maximum speed.

Exception : If the handbag speaks in Morgan Freeman’s voice, then you are allowed to look. For a second. So that you can ask him what the fuck he is doing inside the handbag.

5) If a lady forgets her handbag in your car or house, please call police immediately. You have been having a man dressed as a woman inside your car or house all along and there might be explosives in the handbag. No woman worth her salt forgets her handbag. If she did not forget her other organs, she has no right to leave her handbag.

Exception : If you purposely hid it so that she can come back later as part of your broader plan to get her into your net, then you instantly win yourself ten man points. If she comes back for it, realizes what you did and slaps you for it, you get fifteen man points for the effort and the pain.