The Parents consortium

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this article just made me go bananas

The other morning I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and Tamms was in there taking a susu. I didn’t think I needed to knock. She’s five for crying out loud, it’s not like she would be shaving. The moment I stepped in, she yelled her head off, “what are you doing? Close the door!” So I slipped in and closed the door. “Aaaah, no! Get out, and close the door!” Jeez, she was near hysteric. So I mumbled and stepped out.

She’s all grown now. At five they want privacy. It doesn’t make sense. She needs privacy to take a leak, but when she is done, she calls out to her mom to go wipe her. I think if you are old enough to close the bathroom door, you should be able to wipe yourself; front going back (I know these things). However, I wonder whether guys with boys teach them bathroom etiquette, like you know, how to shake after. And do you hold his wee-wee and show him, or do you stand there and inspect the shake?

Anyway, next year she goes to class one. Class one is a killer. The school treats it like they are going to jump off the edge of space. You are handed a long list of schools that they think will suit her. And every school is categorised and colour coded and their strengths and weaknesses listed for your pleasure.

You also are required to attend sessions in school on how the change will “affect” them. Yes, apparently changing schools and losing friends will have dire effect on them as kids (gulp). So the transition has to be “bridged” smoothly. Between me and you, I think its nonsense. Kids adapt very fast. They aren’t like us who hang onto stuff, you know, we keep whining how we miss our old houses, former colleagues etc. Kids will wear a long face for a day, and the next day they will bounce back.

I know this because when I was in SA for ten days (the longest I have been away is 6 days climbing mount Kenya), Tamms wrote down the number of days I was away on a piece of paper – the day of the week and the date. She would tick off the days after the end of the day. I didn’t know this was happening but when I got back I ran into this piece of paper and saw that she had not ticked the last two days. “Eff, it,” I bet she told herself, “this nigga isn’t coming back. Men! ” She got bored of waiting and moved on. She adapted to my absence. Eight bloody days is all I’m worth!

Of course that gutted me. I mean, you would think that they would wait for years, nope! Eight days. Doesn’t matter how many ice creams you buy, or chicken or shoes, they will move on. Anyway, I didn’t think too much about, but it stayed in mind, niggling, until I said OK, fine, I will confront her.

So I waited until one morning when she was having breakfast. She normally sits on this pink plastic chair, wedged about 2.1cms from the TV screen (only sissies watch TV from a safe distance). Having breakfast is a distracted episode: she can hold a slice of bread about an inch from her lips for 25mins while she is lost on some cartoon. I can shower, dress up and still find her holding that bread to her face. We lose them to cartoons then when when we finally find them, we lose them to life.

“Tamms,” I tapped her back gently. “ Why did you stop ticking these dates?”

“You are tickling me,” she mumbled, not looking at me.

“No, I’m not. Why did you stop ticking, these dates?”

No answer. So I mute the TV. She turns to look at me with a mixture of self imposed patience and revulsion.

“This thing here,” I’m tapping the paper with a smile, “ why did you stop ticking?”

“ I did not stop ticking,”

“You did. You stopped on Friday. Look. ”

She looked at it closely then said, “ I lost my pencil.”

“You could have used crayons, or a chalk, or biro pen or mommy’s eye pencil, anything…”

She looked confused at all the drama and went back to stare at the muted TV.

“Did you think I would not come back?” I whined, fishing for attention.

“ No, you went where?” She’s changing the subject.

“I went to South Africa. But did you think I will not come back?”

“Nooo!” a feeble smile.

“No as in, no you didn’t think I will come back or no, you knew I will come back?”

“But you came back!” Good point.

“Yes, but I mean, you didn’t think I would come back, did you?”

“ No.”

“No, what?”

“Are you going back, you get me a puzzle?”

“First lets solve this puzzle here!”

“Which one?”

“The one of you forgetting me!”

“Genevieve has a blue pencil holder, will also buy for me?” she asked.

I bet Genevieve would never forget about her father that’s why she gets blue pencil holders! I thought to myself, but heard myself say, “Yes, I will.”

Why bother. Asking kids such questions is like asking a woman if she came. I mean, you will get an answer all right, but you will never know whether it’s the right answer. Not when you are all touchy and ego-fragile.

Anyway, back to class one.

In preparation, we have attended of these school things where they advice and guide parents on their choice of schools. I often enjoy most school meetings (especially the father’s forums), but sometimes they can get pretty tedious: check into the lawn area, serve yourself tea, pick a mandazis, join a flock of fathers talking about their kids, meet someone new, pretend you are interested in how their son loses his footballs weekly, converge into the meeting room, listen to some smart-alec give a testimonial, use the washroom, find a lunje already in there because he took three mugs of tea, jog on the spot as you wait for him to finish, use the live hedge instead. Repeat.

But after going for so many of them, I can classify parents who attend them. You only have to stand up to ask a question and I will immediately pigeon hole you.

Mr. Professional

He has a career. The rest of you have jobs. Having a career is not bad, but this guy will make sure you know he has a career. He could be a GP, a lawyer, or an engineer. Funnily enough, I have never heard of a showy gynaecologist (no pun).

So the head teacher, will ask, “ Have you any particular needs about your children that you want addressed that perhaps you can share with the group, for purposes of learning?” His hand will shoot up. He will then stand up and take about two hours buttoning up his coat. Then he will say, “ My name is Ouma. A. McOkoth. I have a son in Green Apples called Reyad Musa Al Asaad, named after my Syrian hero (chuckle in the room). My question is about XYZ, and I ask it only because as a consulting dentist my interactions…” Then off he will go dropping references about his work and experience and affluence. When he is done with his question, three days later, you will be certain that the initial “A” in his name is a body part.

The Romantics

I like these ones. It’s always the lady who stands up, mostly a light one, a bit plump-ish. She will always ask a question and not forget to give a very rosy reference about their marriage. She will extol to us broken ones, the virtues that live of their home, how loving they are. She will always call her husband, “sweetie” or “darling”. She might even put her hand on her “hazbad’s” head while she speaks of how he lies on the carpet every evening to play with the kids. That time you came home late two nights ago and you are only barely being tolerated as a living creature, let alone a human being. But when this lady speaks, and you listen very very keenly, you will always hear the collective room roll their eyes.

The Prayerful

He almost wants to start his question with, “na tuombe…” I have nothing against people of faith. I really don’t, I think it’s a great thing, but try not impose it on people, or make them feel like they will burn in hell if they don’t pray with their kids before they sleep. And this guy, always speaking in very low sagely tone and will quote the bible gallantly to make a point.

Silent

This chap has never contributed to any debate. He comes in silently, ignores the tea (we can safely say he isn’t lunje), and sits at the back. He sometimes takes notes on his phone. Or just listens and laughs occasionally. He isn’t snobbish; he’s just socially awkward. He seems like those guys who has never won mismatched socks in their lives.

Perfect Dad

I don’t like this guy. The holder of 2012/2013 World’s Coolest Dad. He is a smart-ass who makes every dad look insufficient. He has this fatherhood down to a pat. I know a guy like this in Tamm’s school. First he has this high pitch voice that you cannot want to smile at, like that “Donge” guy from Kisumu. I’m certain Tamm’s voice is deeper. And he always wants to contribute to a discussion or a debate because he has the handbook. And when he stands to debate, he always gives example of what he does with his girls (he has two girls) and how close they are, and how he knows exactly what to do in what situation. He has a fatherhood tablet that God gave him when he went up to Mt Longonot. And us “sinners” should learn from it.

The Joker

My hero. Everybody’s hero actually. This guy never comes to many school meetings. He almost always looks like he has a hangie. But he is hilarious. When he gets up to speak, you can feel the room readying himself for a laugh. He is the guy who shouts something from the back of the room, something suicidal given the matrony-no-nonsense look of the head teacher of the school. He is friendly to everyone, so before the sessions begin you will always find guys eclipsed around him, hearing his ludicrous tale. And he laughs loudly and calls everybody “mkubwa.”

Everybody likes him because he has no pretences. His wife always looks embarrassed when he stands to speak, which adds to his intrigue. So when Mr Ouma A McOkoth is speaking, all everybody wants is to wrestle the microphone out of his hands and hand to this chap.

I would rather crawl than Run

For when we are born we really on our elders and parents to carry us from one place to another. i ponder and wonder why it happens but
i fear this There are many three-word sentences in the world. We have some that show affection like “I love you” – except when you say it and get no favourable response. Or if the person says the words back with addition of words like “a brother” or “a friend” at the end. We also have others that send shivers down your spine especially in Njaaanuary like “Pay the Bill” and “Lend me money.”

However, there is one that sends me into defensive mode when ladies say it. And no, its not “I am pregnant” – as much as I would panic on hearing it at this juncture in my life. The three words I am talking about are “Hold My Handbag.”

According to man laws, men are not allowed to hold purses and their other scary cousins from upcountry called handbags. This makes a man instantly lose man points unless their physical address reads “closet” or some other such derivative.

So in order to ensure you dont lose man points, the following guidelines will cushion you from loss of the very vital man points emanating from how you handle handbags.

1) If a lady leaves a handbag with you, you are supposed to promptly place it on the nearest free space and stand five feet from it. You are allowed stare at it from this safe distance.

Exception : If the handbag holds the only condom you two have, then you are allowed to hold it. You will however have to answer to the man law oversight board later to explain why the condom is in her bag and not your wallet.

2) For all intentions and purposes, a handbag should be considered as a detachable organ for ladies. If she can carry all other organs to wherever she is going, she can carry the handbag as well.

Exception : She can leave her handbag with you if she leaves another organ as guarantee that she will return, preferably a kidney or any of its neighboring organs. If she leaves a vagina, she can stay away for a few hours.

3) A man shall not check inside a lady’s handbag even with her permission. If she is away from the room and asks you to pick something from her handbag, you should observe the standard five feet safe distance away from the handbag and keep shouting “I cant find it” until she comes and looks for it herself.

Exception : You are allowed to check if she asked for an inhaler, or authorization certificate from her father that allows you to screw her.

4) If a lady leaves her handbag open in your presence, you are supposed to desist from looking at it at all times unless the handbag tries to initiate conversation. To which you should run away from the room at maximum speed.

Exception : If the handbag speaks in Morgan Freeman’s voice, then you are allowed to look. For a second. So that you can ask him what the fuck he is doing inside the handbag.

5) If a lady forgets her handbag in your car or house, please call police immediately. You have been having a man dressed as a woman inside your car or house all along and there might be explosives in the handbag. No woman worth her salt forgets her handbag. If she did not forget her other organs, she has no right to leave her handbag.

Exception : If you purposely hid it so that she can come back later as part of your broader plan to get her into your net, then you instantly win yourself ten man points. If she comes back for it, realizes what you did and slaps you for it, you get fifteen man points for the effort and the pain.

Evening ideas beyond the thought.

Romance is underrated with many couples. Unfortunately, the majority of couples allow life to get in the way and put romance on the back burner. There are so many ways that romance can be injected into your relationship, in as little as one evening. Use these ideas for outings, activities and at-home ideas to give your relationship the shot of romance that it deserves.

Modern Candlelit Dinner
A candlelit dinner is one of the traditional staples to a romantic evening. Regardless of the scenario, whether the dinner has been made at home and presented to you by a loved one, or if the couple is enjoying a dinner at their favorite fabulous restaurant – there are many ways to update the dated candlelit dinner tradition. Rather than using candles in the middle of the table, use candles all the way throughout the room, or throughout the home, guiding your partner to the place where you have made their favorite dinner and set the table for two. Create a romantic ambience by soft music playing in the background and flowers on the table. Using these tips, the candlelight dinner can truly transform into something special.

Bubble Bath for Two
While creating this bubbly experience for two, use some of your partners favorite scents to allure him or her into the room. In the midst of the bubbles, float a message in a bottle to your partner containing a love poem, a love note, or even a sweet nothing. This gesture will stand out in the mind of your partner as something special that you have done for them. Flowers and candles can be used in the bathroom to set the mood for the bath for two, which provides the couple with a great chance to use those essential massage oils that are around the house. After the bath, offer your partner a massage. Your partner will truly be putty in your hands after this treatment!

Begin the Anticipation Early
Early anticipation gives your partner time to wonder and get excited about what kind of surprises that you have in prepare for him or her that day. Send flowers to his or her work and have them delivered with a note that reads something curious about what surprises are to come. Using a courier service, send small gifts and messages throughout the day to surprise your partner. You can also send along emails and text messages to increase the excitement level. When he or she gets home from work they will be surprised about what you have planned. A romantic night for two with new lingerie and dinner is the perfect end to this surprising day!

High Style Evening
By renting a limo for the evening, the couple can enjoy each other while dressed to the nines out on the town. For dinner, whisk your partner away to the most romantic restaurant in town. For dessert, attend another restaurants famous for their desserts. Finish the evening with a show and taking your partner to a romantic lookout point. This is sure to gain you points in the romance department. Everyone likes a chance to get dressed up, but we do not always have the reason to – this gives every couple the chance to get out their best!

Strawberries and Champagne at a Local Hotel
Strawberries and champagne are some of the most romantic foods and drinks available. If you are spending the night at a local hotel as a romantic gesture be sure to include these on your menu. Create a toast that is dedicated to your partner and say all of the things that you feel about him or her, compliments and things that people love to hear. Consider creating a poem, or thinking ahead of time what you would like to say. This formal toast should be completed standing, for added effect. Next, move on the strawberries, feeding each other the chocolate covered wonder and settle in for a long evening of romance.

Art for Two
Creating something together is one of the most romantic gestures that a couple can complete together. Prepare for the evening with a visit to the local art store to purchase a large piece of canvas, brushes and paint. Any other supplies can be purchased at this time. Start the evening with dinner, voicing your request to do something different together, to create something together. When your partner is stumped, bring up the idea of completing an art project together, and mention that you have already purchased all of the supplies. This is sure to win over the heart of your partner, as they are able to see the effort that you have put into this very moment.

Beach Picnic
To celebrate those hot summer nights, consider a picnic at the beach. The beach is a perfect place to watch the sunset, as the sunset seems to reflect from the water, intensifying the experience. While you are planning this beach picnic, be sure to have all the supplies and picnic food within the car and then ask your partner to go for a drive. If you have time ahead of time, set up a blanket, candles and even music at the beach. Enlisting the help of your friends can be essential to cover this part of the date. At the beach, stumble upon the blanket and ask your partner to stay and watch the sunset with you. This will be a guaranteed yes!

Ideas at home..

Some say that home is where the romance begins. It seems that the most successful of couples have romance in the home, before anywhere else – as the home is where most couples spend the majority of their time. Ensuring that there is romance in the home can keep partners interested while creating an intensity and passion within the relationship. Romance within the home can make everyday exciting, causing it to feel like a special occasion. We all know those couples that seem to fall in love over and over, the secret of these couples is that they have the ability and make the effort to add romantic gestures into their daily activities. Use some of these ideas to become that romantic couple:

Shower Celebration
Fill the shower with balloons and other presents before your partner jumps in for the morning shower. Write a message on the mirror in the steam, or in lipstick for your partner to see when he or she gets out of the shower. Be sure that the lipstick can be easily removed from the glass by testing a small spot. This would seem a little less romantic if you had to spend the remainder of the day replacing the mirrors within the bathroom.

Dinner for Two
There is no reason that dinner at home can’t be just as exciting as romantic as a night out on the town. Something as simple as preparing your partner’s favorite meal while you allow them to be pampered can do wonders for a relationship. For busy moms or dads busy at the office it is important to take the time to complete these small gestures. Candlelight can make any dinner romantic, using small tea-light and taper candles on the table can create a romantic atmosphere in an instant.

Have a Bubble Bath for Two
A bubble bath for two is wonderful way to get warm after a day in the winter weather, or simply catch up! It allows each of your to sensually wash each other and bathe together. Add in candles and bubble bath with aromatherapy beads for a scented experience. Bathing together can easily turn into a weekly tradition that allows the couple to catch up after a busy week. When the couple bathes together they can take the time to relax, wind down from the day and take the time to notice each other. Bathing can be followed by a sensual massage, allowing the couple to relax even further.

Games Night with Romantic Prizes
Hosting a games night with your partner and having romantic prizes is a great way to use that competitive spirit. A games night allows the couple to become closer, while working as part of a team or as an opposition to play the game. At the beginning of the game each partner is to determine the romantic prize that they are going to give, or provide for their partner in case they win. At this point, the couple can tell each other, or keep the prizes secret. At the end of the game it will be a surprise for everyone!

Heart Shaped Cookies
Make heart shaped cookies for your partner to take to work, or surprise your partner in the morning before they wake up. These cookies can be decorated and iced with your partner’s favorite flavors for a little something extra. Everyone likes to have things done for them that are bordering on romantic; cookies can be made in as little as fifteen minutes and have a big impact!

Little Love Notes
Whether written on post-it notes and left around the house or simply written and put into your partner’s lunch, love notes are a great way to send your thoughts to your partner throughout the day. The love notes should be written by hand and left for your partner in various places for him or her to find throughout the day. They need not be longer than a couple of sentences; it is the thought that counts and speak from your heart when crafting the notes.

Sensual Emails and Texts
With modern technology, it is becoming easy to stay in touch during the day. Why not use this technology to strengthen your relationship and send small love notes and tiny gestures through the phone or computer and light up your partners face each time they realize they have one of these small notes in their inbox! Use your heart to send compliments and greetings that will cause anticipation to see each other next.

Small Gifts Hidden in the Home
Leave a small gift in a place that they would never expect to find it. For her, leave it inside of her makeup or cosmetic case – For him, leave it in his favorite box of breakfast cereal. These small romantic gifts do not have to be expensive to be effective, the small thought will put a smile on your partners face all day! Something like a book they have been dying to read, or a new tube of her favorite lip gloss or mascara make the perfect addition to the gift. Accompany the gift with a small love note for the maximum effect.

Massage for One
A massage is a great gift, especially if your partner has had a long day. The next time that your partner seems tires or stressed encourage them to have a hot shower while you prepare an area to massage them. The bedroom is perfect, and can be candlelit to have a relaxing glow in the space. Begin at their head – at the temples and make your way down all the way to the feet. Using aromatherapy lotions help to take the stress of the day away and help your partner relax. This is a favor that will not go unwelcomed!

weekend getaway ideas

Romantic weekends are a time for busy couples to rekindle the relationship and find the magic that they have for each other. Even if the weekend away is in your own home, there can be great benefits to spending a full weekend focusing on nothing but each other, the needs of your partner and the attention required for a successful relationship.

Romantic weekends allow the couple to communicate without the interruptions of life, children and friends coming in between. Two days can even refresh a relationship on the rocks, giving each partner in the couple new perspective when it comes to the relationship.

A Weekend In
A weekend in involves nothing more than staying in your home all weekend, lovingly spending time with your partner. This “us” weekend can involve activities that the two of you enjoy, but they must be done together. This is a great idea for couples looking for ideas to spice up their relationship. This weekend in turns out to be anything but boring for most couples, with the couples finding new ways to amuse themselves through board games, sports activities and other fun things to do that the couple never has a chance to. A weekend in truly helps a couple to realize that there is indeed no place like home.

Tourist in Your Own Town
Chances are there are tourist attractions and events in your town or city that you have never been to. The larger the city or town, the higher this chance for most couples. Many of us don’t take the time to appreciate the area in which we live, so this activity is perfect for those couples. Take a look at the local tourist office or on websites detailing city events. There is more than likely going to be many events that you didn’t even know were available in the town. Plan the weekend around these events and don’t be afraid to take pictures and be mistaken for a tourist. You can discover your partner amongst the gems of events in your city and town throughout this weekend learning experience.

Secret Weekend Away
Whisking your partner away for a surprise weekend falls high on the list of romantic weekend getaway ideas. The element of surprise causes excitement and anticipation in the relationship with your partner constantly wondering where the two of you are off to. When planning this weekend away as surprise, be sure to use methods of payment that will not alert your partner and plan a mini vacation to the last place that they would expect. This weekend getaway not only rejuvenates the relationship but adds spark back into the dynamic, in ways that only anticipation can! Are you able to pack for your partner? Be sure to throw in some of their favorites as well as appropriate wear for the journey and all of the activities that the two of you are going to be completing.

Couples Retreat
Although this may seem extreme, couples retreats are extremely helpful to assist in rekindling the romance that life has made it so impossible to create through the years. Using communication methods and exercises combined with activities, the couple is able to interact with each other as much as possible while creating bonds that will last the entirety of the relationship. Choose a couples retreat that suits your needs, whether for a spa weekend away or simply a time to recall how to communicate. Your partner will be touched that you took it upon yourself to create a weekend that will improve the relationship.

Cooking and Wine Weekends
For those couples that love to cook together, cooking retreats are available, as well as wine weekends which enable the couples to learn about wine, cooking and fine cuisine. Many classes are held over the period of the weekend with the couple having the chance to interact with local and sometimes famous chefs. Although this weekend can be expensive, the many couples who have chosen this option have said this weekend is well-worth it! New skills are learned throughout the weekend which enables the couple to learn together and use these skills doing something that they enjoy. Most often, these weekends are held at hotels and local wineries. Check the listings on the websites for events occurring in your area.

Beach Getaway
Renting a cabin at the beach can be exhilarating. Waking up the smell of the water each morning and the luxury of being able to lie on the beach – there is nothing to compare. There are so many romantic things that can occur on the beach a sunrise picnic, or watching the sun set over the water. Together, you can try new water activities such as tubing and wake boarding and learn together while playing together. This makes the beach a romantic getaway perfect for the weekend.

City Lights
Do you live outside of the city? This is a chance to give your partner the weekend they desire full of the hustle and bustle of the city. There are so many activities that the couple can do together to bring up romance into their lives. Not only are there many tourist activities but there are festivals, new restaurants for the couple to try and of course, taking in the shows and the nightlife. Regardless of your partner’s hobbies, there should be something for everyone to enjoy on a weekend trip into the city.

How sad can it get?

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 Please read this text:

A girlfriend gave a challenge to her boyfriend; To live a day without her. No communication at all and said if he passed it, she’ll love him forever. The boyfriend agreed. He never texted her, nor called his girlfriend for the whole day – without knowing his girlfriend has only 24 hours left because she was dying from cancer. After a day, he excitedly went to his girlfriend. “I did it baby”, but tears fell as he saw his girlfriend lying in a coffin with a note “You did it baby.. Now please do it everyday.. I love you” I cant tell you how much I hate that story! It makes me think of my grandmother, who died some years ago – because of cancer. miss her so much! I can’t find words too describe it. She was only 60 years old

 I want to look and act just like her. Too me she was (will always be in my heart!) the perfect human. Cancer is so unfair! I remember the last words she whispered to me “take care of yourself honey!”… Get tears in my eyes just by writing it. As I said, she was perfect , Wish I could call her an tell her how much she means too me, and tell her to come see me soon so that I could give her a hug

Do you know someone who has cancer, or someone who won or lost the battle? take time and show em that they can make it n that it aint the end of life  but they can live to see a another day cause Our Lord is the ultimate cure.

 

Up for a laugh?

I found this online, and it was impossible to read it without laughing (-:

Try it yourself:

 

Things you don’t want to hear during surgery

“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”

“Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.”

“Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what’s that?”

“Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.”

“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

“Rats, there go the lights again…”

“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ‘em.”

“Stand back! I lost a contact.”

“Could you stop that thing from beeping? It’s throwing off my concentration!”

“What’s this doing here?”

“That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!”

“I should have brought my glasses.”

“Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.”

“Sterile, shcmeril. The floor’s pretty clean, right?”

“Anyone see where I left that scalpel?”

“Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.”

“Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?”

“Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.”

“She’s gonna blow! Everyone take cover!”

“Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!”

“FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!”

“Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”

“Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?”

“I hate it when there’s stuff missing.”

“What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!”

“And now, I’ll remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.”

“This patient has already had kids, right?”

“What do you mean you want a divorce?!”

“”Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!””

“Oops.”

“Let me ask your opinion, nurse…”

“I thought we started with four clamps?”

“Has anyone ever seen one of these?”

“What do you mean, it’s upside down?”

“Oh, man! I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“This is what happens when cousins marry.”

“You think we can sew it back on?”

“Put on Dr. Kevorkian’s new CD.”

“Is that supposed to be yellow?”

“I learned that when I studied to be a vet.”

“Not bad for someone who failed med school.”

“What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.”

“Whoa. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten so drunk last night.”

“Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?”

“They never let us practice on real people in med school.”

“That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.”

“He looks like my ex-wife’s attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money… he even got her!”

“Don’t worry, he’ll never know. He’s out!”

“Okay, make a wish and pull.”

“So that’s what a girl looks like!”

“Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.”

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt us.”

“Uh, ya want fries with that?”

“Who ordered the pepperoni?”

“Tilt that TV this way. I can’t see the game.”

“Poor guy. Maybe we should give him a sex change.”

“The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.”

“I think my Alzheimers is getting… uh…”

“Oh, yeah? If you think you’re so good, you do it!”

“How come this patient has both sex organs?”

“CLEAR!!”

Funny messages that you can’t resent…

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People say that love is in every corner… I must be walking in circles.
Love is the fart

Of every heart.
For when held in,
Doth pain thy host.
But when let out,
Pains others most.
Last night I hugged my pillow and dreamt of you… I wish that someday I’d dream about my pillow and I’d be hugging you.
He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw.
My love for you is like diahrea, I just can’t hold it in.
True love is like a pillow

You can hug it when you’re in trouble
You can cry on it when you’re in pain
You can embrace it when you’re happy
So when you need true love
Buy a pillow
    Boys are great. Every girl should have one.
Your smile can be compared to a flower

Your voice can be compared to a cuckoo
Your innocence to a child
But in stupidity you have no comparison
You’re the best!
  You always stop and stare, why not just take a picture?
  If I kiss him will he stop talking?
  People tell me there’s plenty of fish in the sea. But who wants to date a fish?
  You tripped me, so I fell for you.
yes i am a flirt but no matter how hard i try to quit the world of one i just cant help but realize how great it is to paly n toy the life as they one really wants to have a flirt for a friend… the main issue being that players and flirts don’t care how the other feels but they will get whatever they want at whatever cost n later on they dispose what they earned because its never in there system to maintain.
Ladies be honest to your mind, “YES that guy is cute, i wont mind if he is player but i want,?”  Guy: “” OMG that lady is superhot, ass of an angel n face af a devil, i don’t give a damn who cares not to hit and run.. the whore is volatile..” just to realize the flirts n players r the greatest womanisers as they master the womans in question needs n appease it with You can fall from the sky, You can fall from a tree But the best way to fall Is in love with me

The spaces between your fingers are meant to be filled with mine.

If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?

Loving you is like breathing; How can I stop?

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet but nothing compared to you.

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

The shortest word for me is I
The sweetest word for me is LOVE
The only one for me is YOU

I get the best feeling in the world when you say “Hi” or smile at me, because I know that even for a second that I’ve crossed your mind.

Every morning I wake up happy because I know I’ll see you.

Every night I go home crying because I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to see you again.

Did the sun just come out or did you just smile at me?
Some say there are more. Some say everything in life is a wonder. But to me, There is only one… You!

It’s not my fault that I fell for you, you tripped me!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The sun is hot
And so are you

Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me?

If your heart was a prison, I would like to be sentenced for life.

Is that love I see in your eyes, or merely a reflection of mine?

Let’s not get engaged, not just yet.

Let’s commit the perfect crime, I’ll steal your heart, and you steal mine.

Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I’ve done in my life.

If you were a tear I would never dare to cry. I might lose you!

My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.

From A to Z all that really matters is U and I.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

Can’t wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful everyday.

My heart to you is given; Oh, do give yours to me; we’ll lock them up together and throw away the key.

If you are gong my way I will walk with you.

I wish dreams were like wishes and wishes came true because in my dreams I am always with you.

Baby, you are everything I never knew I always wanted.

Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes.

Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
mention that you going woman fishing and i can assure you that one thing u will ultimately need is that carry with the sweet words n u have to be rude en be the bad boy that you used to be in child hood. Good boys always come in last n all the goodladies get the Badboys  laughing off the asses as the bad ladies get the cute ones… all bad people r never really bad but thy play the foul since they av tried to be good n they were hurt so the bad boy was born to avenge the good gone bad.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

Can’t wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful everyday.

My heart to you is given; Oh, do give yours to me; we’ll lock them up together and throw away the key.

If you are gong my way I will walk with you.

I wish dreams were like wishes and wishes came true because in my dreams I am always with you.

Baby, you are everything I never knew I always wanted.

Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes.

Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
this is life and how to it emerges we deal with it.

Conversion starters of the hook

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First Date Conversation Starters

Romance is more than just candles, flowers and a candlelit dinner. It is a state of mind. The couples that are enveloped in romance are the couples that see success in their relationships. Romance depends on the small things, to make the large things count. When you increase the amount or romantic gestures in your life you increase the meaning in the relationship.

Compliment.

Paying a compliment will help put your date in a good mood.Complimenting them on a piece of clothing or accessory can lead into further conversation.

Family and friends.

Ask your date if they have any siblings.Ask your date about their friends.

Food and drinks.

If you are at a restaurant, this is an appropriate time to bring this topic up.Ask what their favorite type of food or drink is.

Hobbies and interests.

Ask your date about what they enjoy doing in their free time.Ask follow up questions on this area, since they enjoy their interests and should also enjoy talking about them.

Movies and music.

Ask about the most recent movie they have seen or a movie that they would like to see.Ask about what music they like to listen to and/or who their favorite artist is.

Career and school.

Ask about what they think about school or their career.Ask about what future school/career aspirations they have.

Current events.

Before going out on your first date, read up on the news, information on the local community, celebrity gossip, sports…

Vacation.

Ask them to tell you about their most recent vacation or about future travel plans.
i believe no one escapes these below listed and no matter how awkward it may seem you will surely get the other one talking not unless they are deaf n they can’t hear u, as no one has got it all but at any one point you will have to overlook the faults n see them as the partners strong holds,
Relationship Questions

  • What is the first think you notice about a guy or girl?
  • Have you ever been in love?
  • Do you believe in soul mates?
  • What are your turn offs?
  • Do you believe in love at first sight?
  • Do you prefer short hair or long hair on a guy/girl?
  • What do you look for in a guy/girl?
  • Who was the last person you called?
  • Would you rather be rich and never find true love or be poor and find true love?

Sports Conversation Starters

  • Who is your favorite athlete?
  • How often do you exercise?
  • What is your favorite sports team?
  • Do you play any sports?

Vacation Questions

  • Where was the last place you went on vacation?
  • Where do you plan on going for your next vacation?
  • If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
  • What countries have you traveled to?
  • What was your worst vacation experience?

Food/Drink Topics

  • What is your favorite drink?
  • What is your favorite food?
  • What is your favorite meal of the day?
  • Are there any foods that you dislike or will not eat?
  • Are there any foods that you would like to try?
  • What is your favorite restaurant?
  • What is your favorite pizza topping?
  • What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
  • What did you have for dinner last night?
  • What is the signature dish that you cook?

Entertainment Topics

  • Who is your favorite actor?
  • What is your favorite movie of all time?
  • What was the worst movie you’ve ever seen?
  • What is your favorite TV show?
  • What was the last movie you’ve seen?
  • What type of music do you like to listen to?
  • Who is your favorite music artist?
  • What was the last book you read?

Personal Questions

  • Who do you look up to?
  • Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
  • What are you scared of?
  • What is the best piece of advice you’ve received?
  • What do your parents do for a living?
  • What is your biggest regret?
  • What is your most embarrassing moment?
  • What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
  • What are some of your short-term goals?
  • What are some of your long-term goals?

Misc. Conversation Starters

  • Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
  • Tell me about your first car.
  • Do you drink coffee or tea?
  • If you could have any super power, what would it be?
  • If you were stranded on a deserted island and you could have only 1 item, what would it be?
  • Do you believe in luck?
  • Do you play video games?
  • Do you believe people are inherently good?
  • How often do you shower?
  • What is your favorite board game?
  • What is your favorite charity?
  • Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
  • Do you prefer cats or dogs?
  • Would you prefer to live in the city or a rural area?
  • What is your favorite season?
  • Do you speak any other languages?
  • Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
  • What is the best thing that happened to you during the past week?
  • What is the worst thing that happened to you during the past week?
  • Do you sing in the shower?
  • What is the most valuable thing that you own?
  • What would you do if you only had 24 hours left to live?

By the end of the day we all talk to a stranger but we never bother what they would have said if you never made the attempt to say a simple hello. try asking for direction in a new town or place n u will get the direction without much of a struggle from a stranger bt a friend will have to ask what your going to do their or somehow he /she will be left wondering what you after or how come u don’t know the place n they do.

friends become enemies but there is no stranger who will be a stranger as a smile puts off any harmful persons away.a calm face and focus wins the confidence of a stranger, most say you are a friend to yourself because the stranger in you has no rum to make the life you live but you make all the choices for the future is in the control n thou shall never look at the past since.

Romantic date ideas.

The quality of love and the duration of a relationship are in direct proportion to the depth of the commitment by both people to making the relationship successful. Commit yourself wholeheartedly and unconditionally to the most important people in your life.thus one has to make tym for date nights are essential for the two partners in a relationship to spend time together. Many couples use a weekly date night to rekindle the romance within the relationship and maintain communication. Date nights are a great way to keep in contact and reminisce about the feelings that were present on some of the earliest dates that the couple has gone on.

To create moments that you will always treasure, romantic dates are essential to create fire within every relationship. Use these romantic date ideas to surprise your partner and spruce up one of your regular date nights.

Theme Film and Dinner
Are you seeking a cultural date that includes many new experiences? This new take on dinner and a movie can introduce the couple to new music, language and even new culinary experiences. The trick is to see which films are playing in town, which ethnic restaurants are available or which cultural exhibits are available to be seen. Next, plan your date around the theme of the event or restaurant. Dinner and a movie usually consist of the same restaurants that the couple has been visiting for years.

Star Gazing for Two
Star gazing is a great way for the couple to get together under the stars. It allows the couple to share glimpses into a telescope while learning something new about the solar system. With the use of a star map and even binoculars, the couple can have a contest of who can point out the most constellations. IS there any better date idea that a night under the stars, with a picnic blanket made for two?

Pottery Painting 101
There are studios in every city that allow the couple to come into the studio, choose a piece of pottery and paint it to their liking. A couple can work together to create a unique collection of dishes which can be used in their kitchen, or even create gifts for each other on a special occasion. Painting talent is not necessary, but the ability to laugh at yourself and bring out your inner creativity is essential. After the painting has been complete, the kilnary will keep the item for two to three days to fire the item, and the items can be picked up by the couple after this process has been completed. This is a great way to work together towards a common goal while letting your inner artist shine through!

A Date to the Bookstore
A date to the local bookstore is a great way to share your favorite books with each other. Cozy little corners are available in most book stores to curl up and share your favorite parts of your favorite books. Take it back to your childhood by finding your favorite childhood books; chances are that you share some of the same. One of the great things about large book stores is that they encourage customers with benches and chairs to come in and read the books while absorbing the hip book store energy. Take the time to learn something new together with new books!

Learn Culinary Skills Together
Many culinary schools offer classes or specific nights that allow the couple to come together to learn a new skill in the kitchen, and learn to cook a new food. After dinner, the couple will often have the chance to sit down and enjoy the food that was cooked. Using their new skills, the couple can reminisce about the meal each time that they cook it together in the future. Choose a culinary experience that you both enjoy to create the ultimate experience. Although this date idea can be expensive, many couples find that the unique experience is well worth it!

Day Out to the Fair
It is fun to reminisce in an environment that allows the couple to play, run and experience games that they have not been able to since their childhood. A day at the fair allows for rides on roller coasters and other thrilling rides, and viewing the entire landscape from the top of the ferris wheel. This combined with the fact that you can get great fair food, enjoy the cultural highlights of the festival and play games while spending time together make this romantic date a hit.

A Day Trip to the Beach
There are so many things that can be done to celebrate the romance of a great relationship on a day to the beach. Building a sandcastle together or floundering among the waves are great ways to bring the couple together and enjoy the romantic day. One of the best things about a day at the beach is the evening at the beach. Sunset is a great way to enjoy the beach while enjoying a picnic, sharing a bottle of your favorite champagne combined with the company of your favorite person!

To Market we Go
A trip to the market can be a romantic date where the couple can experience new tastes, foods, markets and products. Be sure to bring your bartering skills, it can be fun for the couple to try and get deals at the market. A trip to the market is a great morning activity, and a great way to find fresh fruit, food and other ingredients which can be great for the weeklong activities. The market is a wonderful activity for couples that like to cook together as the new ingredients add a special something to each meal. New ingredients can be experimented with, tested and purchased at the market.

Sports Day for Two
For the couple that likes to keep active, there are many ways to shape up together. From a trip to the batting cage or a hike up the local mountain there are many things that can be done to get in shape while coming together. When the couple gets active together, they can maintain a sense of commitment to the relationship while they are working to achieve a common goal! These are great low cost activities for the couple on a budget!